...this morning at roughly 1:30 am marked the 2 year mark of my life changing forever. Josh went into Cardiac Arrest on July 30th, 2007 and point in time that I will never forget. July, as I have mentioned before, is an emotional month for me. I try so hard to keep it all together for myself, Josh, and mostly Maggie...but the truth is...it is HARD. I spent today thinking about the last two years and how much my life has changed.
I remember last year when it had been a year out...I remember thinking about how we were so lucky that Josh had made it a year out and was feeling better than he had in a long time...I remember thinking how grateful we both were that Maggie was as awesome as she was...I remember thinking that life was a blessing beyond belief.
This year has been totally different in many ways. I spent today waking up to my husband laying next to me ready to start a new day. I often sleep touching him...which doesn't sound like much, but in a huge California king bed, I have to stretch. Last night I slept with my hand on his heart. I couldn't help it. It was not like it was any different than any other night that he goes to sleep, but I needed to do that for me. It was a hard night. Mr. Dick that lives at the top of the neighborhood drives a huge dualie truck that is so loud. He was the first responder that came to help when Josh got sick. I believe I heard him everytime he went up and down the road last night. That was hard. I went to go get a haircut with Josh and "my face waxed off" as I loving refer to getting my eyes waxed and this was when Maggie went up to Josh and proclaimed that he looked "pretty" after his haircut. I went to Macy's at Rivergate and was an American Heart Association volunteer for the Go Red for Women campaign.
I was lucky enough to be chosen to be a Nashville spokeswoman for the Go Red campaign and nothing could thrill my soul more. I am still in the very beginning stages of understanding what I am doing, but I know why I am doing it...so that makes it worth the while. It was an amazing day. Between myself and four other volunteers, we signed up over 60 women for the campaign in only 2 hours. I LOVED that I was surrounded by heart survivors today. It seemed ironic, yet fitting. One lady that I spoke to buried her husband of 40 years from heart disease 10 years ago. It was an amazing story. It brought tears to my eyes. And then she looked at me and said...so, what's your story. So, I told her. A total stranger. She was so touched. She had tears in her eyes and we hugged and I said that I was so glad that she was signing up for the campaign as it promotes heart health for women. She said..."Honey, I have to live each day to honor my husband. We didn't get to finish this life together so I have to make sure that I am making a difference while I can." SERIOUSLY! I was blown away. Her name was Margie. I loved her. We rubbed elbows and hugged and laughed and bonded. We had nothing in common...so I thought. I just wanted her to sign up for the campaign, she just wanted the free ice cream. I believe that we both left with a changed state of mind.
I am so thankful for today. For the feelings and emotions that always come with today. For my JuJu calling and saying...now today is the day right...so sweet, I know she didn't want to ask. I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful that we do go to dr. appts. and feel like we are on date days. I am thankful that we have each other. I would be lying if I said that I didn't miss the "old" Josh sometimes. I would be lying if I didn't say that sometimes I just want to have an Alie pitty party and invite no one. I would be lying if I haven't asked the Lord...why? I would be lying if I said that I wish all that has happened to our family had never happened and we could just be a "normal" family with normal health issues. I would just be lying. And you know what...the Lord doesn't like liars.
What I want to say to others is this...
...I miss the "old" Josh. I miss the Josh that doesn't have a counter full of prescription drugs that cause him to be in bad moods, yell alot, and shut down emotionally 99.9% of the time.
...I want to not go to bed every night scared to death that either my husband or my daughter could possibly get sick. It often freaks me out that Dexter is the healthiest one of the bunch!
...I want to be celebrating my 6 year of marriage on Sunday without saying I am SO glad Josh is still here. Who has to worry about that at 27 years of age.
...I want to STOP thinking about what happened at certain times and on certain days. I want to know that what I am feeling is okay. My therapist says it is...
...I want to STOP thinking about the time that Mom, Dad, and Brea drove me to the hospital and I was preparing myself for what life would be like without my husband. I want to stop hearing Brea say...Alie, you need to talk to him...He knows your here. (this was when he was on the breathing machine in the ER). I want to STOP hearing people say you know he is going to be okay. I want to STOP thinking about those terrible blue recliners in the ICU waiting room where poor Maggie thought she lived. I want to STOP thinking about seeing him right after his DeFib was placed and knowing that our life was going to be totally different. I want to STOP thinking about the EMS team shocking him in our bedroom on our floor at our house 3 times and shoving me out of the way from doing the CPR so it could shock. I want to STOP thinking about the time that Dad took Maggie in to see Josh right after he got transferred to a regular room at Hendersonville and him thinking it was the first time he was seeing her.
But...the reality is...I CAN'T. So what do I do.
I have to recognize that this is part of my life now and whether I love it or not, I have to respect it and give the glory to God for being alive to have these feelings.
I lean on my awesome family that loves me and my family unconditionally, even if it is hard at times.
I lean on my best friends that surround me and lift me up when I am at my weakest.
I lean on Maggie for her strength and love for life.
Most of all, I lean on God. He is why my day is worth living. It could always be worse and I am so thankful that it is not. I just think that God loves us the most when we are real with ourselves. You are of no help to others in your life, without helping yourself first.
Two years...these two years do not limit me or define who I am. They only make me stronger.
1 week ago